[AngellPrincessPoet Notes] Article 1 — On the NAMI website information on “Romantic Relationships”, here is what they say:
https://www.nami.org/find-support/living-with-a-mental-health-condition/romantic-relationships
How Can I Start A Relationship Now?
Having a mental health condition can make it more difficult to date and meet people, largely because you may not feel like connecting with others when your life is unstable. Depending on your condition, you might be dealing with impulsive behavior, irregular moods, a desire to withdraw, trouble feeling empathy, or anxieties about other people. Following your treatment plan to care for your health is thus one important part of building a healthy relationship.
To attract a new romantic relationship with a mental health condition, think about what qualities you’re looking for in a partner. How can you strengthen these qualities in yourself? Show your positive qualities to the world and you will meet people who share your values. Above all, don’t get discouraged. You deserve a loving, healthy relationship whatever your health history.
[AngellPrincessPoet Notes] Article 2 — Here is another great article on How To Be Supportive Of Your Partner With Mental Illness:
Being in a relationship with someone you love can be beautiful. It can also be difficult, as you face the hurdles of everyday life. But if your partner struggles with mental illness, those issues can become much more intense for both of you. Understanding the needs of someone with mental illness is challenging. And you may not know how to support your partner living with mental illness while caring for your own needs, too. Here are a few ways you can achieve that balance.
Understand The Diagnosis
Because of the nature of mental illness, many people can’t recognize how much someone may be suffering because their symptoms aren’t outwardly apparent. This is why living with mental illness can present unique challenges to daily life, including physical health and relationships. Since symptoms of mental illnesses can range from difficulty concentrating to more serious conditions such as crippling depression, severe anxiety and hallucinations, it’s important to understand your partner’s diagnosis and their personal experiences.
Research Support Tactics
Understanding your partner’s diagnosis can make it easier to identify how to be there for them when things get tough. For example, if your partner lives with generalized anxiety disorder, experts recommend not glossing over their worries by blindly reassuring them things will turn out okay. Instead, support their development of problem-solving and resilience skills. If your partner expresses anxiety, ask about their specific concerns and listen as they create a plan that addresses them.
Be A Good Listener
One of the best things partners can do is listen to loved ones in an effort to understand their experiences. It can be easy to assume you know what someone else is going through; however, this is usually not the case. Mental illness affects individuals differently, and it’s essential to listen to those experiencing it to better understand their perspectives and provide effective support.
[AngellPrincessPoet Notes] Article 3 — Here is a wonderful article for spouses that have a partner with schizophrenia.
https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions/couples-vol10/my-partner-has-a-mental-illness
My Partner Has a Mental Illness…
BC Schizophrenia Society, Victoria’s spousal support group
Susanne Dannenberg, RSW and Hazel Meredith
Reprinted from “Couples” issue of Visions Journal, 2015, 10 (4), p.23
Any couple relationship, whether dating or a committed partnership, has its proverbial ups and downs. But what about when there is the extra challenge of dating or being the spouse/partner of someone who has a mental illness?
As with physical health issues, a mental illness can present extra challenges that can destabilize a relationship. Things can be very challenging for the partner without a mental illness, who may assume more of a caregiving role. He or she can find themselves isolated and unsure about how to manage their relationship, especially when their loved one is struggling.
We encourage people who are in this type of relationship to reach out and try a spousal support group like the one we host at our recovery-oriented BC Schizophrenia Society, Victoria (BCSS Victoria) branch.
Our spousal support group—a safe place to discuss unique issues
The Strategies and Support Group has been running for about six years and was started by Dana Lewis, a former family counsellor with BCSS Victoria who had received many requests for such a group. The group welcomes people whose partners or spouses have a mental illness, including schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and major depression, with or without addictions. The group meets once per month every last Thursday of the month from 7–8:30pm at no cost to attendees.
We provide a safe space where group attendees come together to find hope and revitalization. It can be hard to share thoughts and feelings with friends and family, especially for the unique issues that arise when it comes to intimate relationships, but in the spousal support group there are, as one participant says, others “who get it without me having to explain everything, and there’s the safety and comfort of not being judged.”
Common themes invariably arise in this group, such as anger, communication, sexual intimacy, enabling, finances, children, and whether or not to stay in the relationship.
Anger
If the partner with the mental illness isn’t working on his or her own self-care and recovery, their spouse can feel overwhelmed, and the dynamic in an equal partnership shifts out of balance. The spouse becomes the caregiver, and roles and boundaries become cloudy.
Some group participants have shared that they feel like they are in a parent-type role. This can be unpleasant and lead to feelings of frustration in both spouses, especially as communication becomes more challenging. For example the caregiving spouse may feel like they are nagging instead of being supportive—they may be using the word should instead of asking a question.
It can be especially hard when a loved one is not exploring ways to take responsibility for their personal mental wellness. Some examples of taking responsibility for personal mental wellness include: attending a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP®) course, accessing a local peer support program such as our Recovery and Hope Support Group, or attending an addiction recovery group in the community, such as Life Ring or Umbrella Society.
Communication
In the Strategies and Support Group and in family counselling, we offer information on communication tools—notably, Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Also called Compassionate Communication, NVC was developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.1
NVC encourages people to engage in empathic listening, which entails stating one’s observation, expressing a feeling and need through “I” statements, and then making a request to the partner. Compassionate Communication deepens the understanding of each other’s experiences in a respectful and peaceful way. Courses are offered at local recreation centres and colleges, or can be learned directly through couples counselling with a counsellor trained in NVC.
Sexual intimacy
When one partner is in a caregiver role, and sometimes in a parental rather than a partnership role, it can interfere with a couple’s intimate relationship. This can be an awkward topic to talk about but support group members can safely express their feelings of frustration, resentment and anger about this situation.
Side effects from medications can also affect sexual desire and performance. When this is the case, we encourage couples to have a conversation with their doctor, as well as to seek counselling with a practitioner who understands psychotropic medications.
Enabling
Talking about boundaries can lead to talking about enabling or co-dependency. Enabling can be helpful when supporting a loved one to live and grow, but it can be unhelpful when approaches inhibit growth and may even prolong or worsen the situation. For example, doing things for a spouse that the spouse is capable of doing for him or herself can inhibit growth and undermine self-confidence. This co-dependent state occurs when an ill spouse becomes overly dependent on the caregiving spouse, including for approval and even identity and the caregiver enables.
Whether we are supporting or enabling our spouse is a tough question. Pat Deegan, a thought leader in the field of mental health recovery, puts forward the idea of a ‘continuum of care.’2 This looks at caregiving on a continuum from being involved a little or not at all on one end, to being overly involved in relation to how ill or well the other spouse is on the other end. For example, if your partner just had a psychotic break, you may be very involved in getting your partner’s care needs met (e.g., attending meetings, driving to appointments, etc.). Conversely, when your partner is feeling stabilized and able to do more things for him or herself again, you will become less involved. It’s important for the caregiving spouse to track these changes and adjust the amount of care being provided at any given time.
Finances
Financial struggles can present a huge challenge in these relationships. If most of the focus in the partnership has been on the illness, finances may not have been top of mind, and may have become neglected. Or there may have been some financial mismanagement taking place, which can also be common on the part of the person struggling with a mental illness. Also, at times, the spouse/partner may be the only wage earner, which can create extra stresses in a relationship and cause further imbalance.
Financial struggles need to be discussed with the partner who is unwell, but a partner may find it challenging to bring up such issues. Support group members can assist in creating strategies to help.
Children
| QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELFIf these questions sound familiar to you, and you want more resources, join our Strategies and Support Group or read a resource we like called the Spouses Handbook at www.bcssvictoria.caAre you helping or enabling?Are you nagging or making suggestions?Are you treating your spouse as a child or as an adult partner?Are you using the word “should” or asking questions?Are you neglecting your own needs, while telling your spouse to take better care of him or herself, or are you modelling self-care?Is your partner in crisis or had a recent relapse, or is he or she stable and able to do things for him or herself?Bottom line: If you are feeling resentful, you are likely doing too much! |
If children are involved in the relationship, questions such as these arise: “Can I leave my child or children in the care of my spouse while I go to work?” and “What will happen to the children if he can’t cope, or gets really ill while I’m not at home?” In the support group, spouses can share their experience and any fears of having child protection authorities called.
To address these kinds of questions and alleviate fears, we discuss preventative measures such as a Ulysses Agreement3 or the crisis plan component of WRAP®. These tools both provide advance care planning for children’s care when a spouse becomes unwell or a relapse may occur.
Couples can get help with creating such an advanced care plan through specialized family counselling, as is offered at BCSS Victoria branch. They also can receive information on educational activity and support programs for their children, such as “Kids in Control” (BCSS) or “Free to Be Me” (BCSS Victoria).
The involvement of children in a relationship may also be a motivator for an ill spouse to seek support, especially if she or he still has limited insight into their mental illness. In the group, we talk about identifying “leverage.” Leverage motivates a person, who doesn’t yet have insight into the fact that they are ill, to seek help. For example, one spouse told her husband, who at first was unaware of his psychosis: “If you want to come back into the home to be with me and our children, you need to go see your doctor for help.”
This may seem like a severe request from a spouse, but it was the only tool she saw available to her and it worked. Her husband of over 20 years still lives with his wife and children, happily. Despite some continued challenges and setbacks, he is moving forward on his recovery journey.
Do I stay or do I go?
| WHAT OUR SUPPORT GROUP PARTICIPANTS HAVE TO SAY…“This group gives me support, strength, encouragement and direction when dealing with the challenges of having a husband with the mental illness of bipolar.”“The spousal support group is giving me the tools and encouragement to get back on my feet after supporting my ex-wife for over 20 years, and to find out who I really am.”“I know I’m not alone and there’s no need to explain as I know others here understand. That is very comforting!” |
Whether to stay or leave a relationship troubled with these challenges is often broached in the group. Anger, resentment and hopelessness can not only cause a big rift in a relationship, but can also cause the caregiving spouse to become burned out and depressed.
Healthy self-care strategies that can help avoid or reverse such relationship breakdowns are shared in the group. These may include joining a yoga class or meditation group, starting a new hobby, or getting together with a friend on a regular basis.
Exploring self-care can lead to exploring reasons for staying in a relationship or for leaving it. Group members often struggle with feelings of guilt and fear, stating things like, “If he had cancer, I wouldn’t leave him.” Their biggest worry is, “How will he [or she] manage without me?”
There’s no one right answer—only you know what is right for you as a spouse or partner. In the group we talk about what might be deal breakers for someone considering change and what can one accept and live with, provided we engage in good self-care.
Taking care—together
Both people need to be working on the relationship together, and couples need to explore what is right for each partner. Solutions will depend on the mental health challenge, length of relationship, financial challenges, whether children are involved, and other such factors. To help with this, another resource that many people have found helpful is the Spouses Handbook,4 developed in Ontario and available on our website at http://www.bcssvictoria.ca.
Ultimately, people may choose to continue living together or to live separately. But overall, the goals for the loved one are to be taking as much responsibility for his or her health and wellness as possible. Goals for the caregiving spouse are to engage in, and model, their own self-care and closely monitor and adjust the level of caregiving.
About the authors
Susanne is the family counsellor at BC Schizophrenia Society, Victoria Branch (BCSS Victoria). She provides holistic and recovery-oriented information and support to family members, including spouses who have a loved one with a mental health challenge. Susanne facilitates three support groups at BCSS, including the spousal Strategies and Support Group
Hazel is Executive Director of BCSS Victoria, has over 20 years of clinical and administrative experience in non-profit and public-sector mental health, and is a board member with Psychosocial Rehabilitation Canada. Hazel works from a recovery-oriented perspective
Footnotes:
- Centre for Nonviolent Communication. Retrieved from www.cnvc.org.
- Pat Deegan, PhD & Associates, LLC (2014). Retrieved from www.patdeegan.com.
- For more on Ulysses Agreements including templates, see www.bcss.org/programs/2009/12/ulysses-agreement-planning-for-support.
- Schizophrenia Society of Ontario, Hamilton Chapter. Schizophrenia and Family Support Centre (2005). Spouses handbook. Hamilton, ON. Retrieved from www.bcss.org/resources/topics-by-audience/family-friends/2004/05/spouses-handbook.
[AngellPrincessPoet Notes] Article 4 — 5 More Tips for Finding Love with a Mental Illness by Janel Ball
https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-more-tips-for-finding-love-with-a-mental-illness/
In a previous post, we discussed five tips for finding love with a mental illness. Here are five more.
1. When to discuss your mental illness? It’s a dilemma: When should you reveal your mental illness? The first date should be fun and light so you can find common ground, but you probably don’t want to wait so long that a medical event suddenly thrusts your problems into the spotlight.
As you contemplate a future with your significant other, please remember: Don’t feel ashamed of your mental illness, medication, or counseling. It’s no different from needing medicine for diabetes or having a drug allergy; they’re just different types of medical issues that everyday people have.
So when is the best time to educate your date about your health? Since most people need at least three dates to decide whether to pursue a more serious relationship, this issue should come up during the second or third date — just like other issues that can cause compatibility issues, such as political views or religion. If your health condition turns out to be a dealbreaker, that’s okay. It’s easier for both parties to leave a relationship with dignity before the third or fourth date; after that, you’re likely to have become more invested in each other.
And if your significant other is willing to learn more about your condition and how he or she can help you, then you can expand your support network and feel reassured that you’re not withholding any large secrets.
2. Be open and honest. Being straightforward about your medical condition conveys that you respect and value your date. Remember to include that you are seeking treatment, as it indicates that you are taking care of yourself. In essence, you’re revealing a part of yourself that not everyone knows and you’re extending an invitation to become a trusted confidante. When you treat your date as an intelligent, equal partner, you’re actually giving him or her quite an honor.
Don’t try to hide mental illness, no matter how tempting it may seem. Otherwise, it could come across as a shock to someone who’s unprepared for the reality of your illness.
3. Remember that your date’s response could change. Unfortunately, when it comes to medical illnesses, you can’t always take someone’s reaction at face value. Whenever you explain your condition to others, they need time to learn and understand what you’re going through and how it could affect them. This may change their thoughts on the matter either positively or negatively.
Allow them some time, and space if they need it, to gather more information. It’s one thing to hear you describe a panic attack, but it would be a different experience altogether to actually see you in the middle of one. It’s also possible that after initially talking with you, they may learn more information (or misinformation) that changes their perception of your medical condition.
What does this mean for you? When you discuss mental illness for the first time with your date, remember that even if he or she seems to accept it without a problem, their reaction or thoughts might change over time. If it does, it’s not your fault. It’s better for you both to be honest about your feelings and limitations to avoid getting hurt later on when you’re more invested in the relationship.
On the other side, if they take the time to get to know you better, they might be more inclined to continue spending time with you. Remember, you are not defined by your illness, it is just one aspect of you and your life.
4. Take time to get to know each other. Simply getting to know someone is often more simple than dating someone new. You’re not trying to find someone to fill expectations or a specific role, you’re just trying to connect with someone you like being around. In part, this means not getting sexually involved too quickly.
It may be wise to get to take things slowly before creating a romantic attachment. This creates a more secure environment for you to learn about each other’s strengths, weaknesses, and personalities. If you don’t mesh well as friends, then you certainly won’t work as a couple. It’s easier to let a friendship fade with dignity than to break off a romantic relationship.
On the other hand, if you find that you have a new friend, and the physical attraction is there, then you may be ready to try dating each other. After all, the strength of a marriage or other intimate relationship depends on the strength of the underlying trust and friendship. If you two are already getting along great, then you have a strong foundation for forging a deeper bond. Plus, by this point, he or she will already be more familiar and comfortable with your mental illness.
5. Trust your instincts and just be yourself. It is very important to follow your gut. Often, what you interpret as instinct is likely your subconscious mind trying to tell you something — such as whether you should join the dating scene now or wait. Follow your instincts. Your mind is a highly intelligent organ that wants you to be happy and healthy and will give you indications as to what is good for you.
Finally, relax. You are an important person of value and worth and dating you is a privilege that shouldn’t be taken lightly. You bring strengths and weaknesses into every potential relationship and so does your date. What matters is how you feel about yourself when you are with this person and how well your personalities mesh.
You deserve to be happy and healthy. You deserve to go after and create a fulfilling life.
References
Mental Illness Facts and Numbers (2013). National Alliance on Mental Illness.
Angell Princess' Mental Health Opinions Blog 